the masochist

it hurts so much to hide it all.
it hurts so much to just not be able to say anything
simpy because you know it's not going to matter.

it hurts so much,
but you can't stop yourself from hurting yourself even more.

i took this from kh's blog without his permission, but i had to coz i liked it so much. hahaha. thanks kh:

Lesson One: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it .

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two: A turkey was chattin g with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut

when i opened this blog window, i had decided to blog about something a light-hearted, about some events that happened yesterday. but when i actually manage to get down to blogging, i sit here feeling like shit.

it really stinks to live in the shadow of overachieving siblings.
my brother's a med student. topped rjc for english and on the overall, what i consider a nerd.
my sister's swims, and wins stuff. things like eighth in the country for age. the sort of standard enought to get you into a top girls school even if you screw up your studies big time.

and me? i'm just an artist. a designer. the underachiever. the one they just shove into the corner if it has anything to do with my other siblings.

sometimes, it's just so screwed up when your mom scolds the crap outta you when you don't do anything.
when you sister answers you with such disrespect that you like to beat her up, but mom sides her just because it's something to do with her swimming, and the fact that she's done something far more than you could achieve, and so it takes priority over whatever small insignificant-in-her-eyes you're doing.

okay. you might think it's just a one time rant because i'm so pissed of at the moment.
but it's happened so many times that my sister talks back to my mom and nothing happens, and when i do, i get screwed over. my brother talks back to my mom and she just jokes around.

i got 5th in the level for the final project of year one.
that's 5th out of 90+ people in the cohort.
i showed mom, and she was "oh, okay la."

its bloody demoralizing sometimes.
having an inferiority complex makes things worse.
sometimes, i just feel like i screwed up life.

if only i were smarter, if only i were more talented.
but you know what?

screw it. this is whatcha got.

i just feel so pissed at the moment.
but somehow, relieved that God doesnt show favourtism.

TAGGED BY VAN

10 years ago
obsessed with digimon(buying and selling, making money and getting caught, and getting into fights.

your typical 8year old kid.

5 years ago
secondary one.
almost depressed because i didn't get into acs(i), cried, appealed, didn't get in, and ended up in sas - reluctant and blaming everyone else but me for my sad fate.

chose sas because i thought acs(i) people all had dyed hair, pierced ears, and were obnoxios ah bengs.
went to sas, and discovered there that it was worse.

loved art(had a great art teacher who influenced me greatly without suffocating me. and i meant style wise. not because of her generously proportioned ah-hems.), failed math, but eventually got into trip science later on, so i guess it was a temporal thing. thankfully.

1 year ago
sajc. the most carefree time of my life, aside from the period before i even started schooling.
life revolved around which lessons to skip, where to go, and thinking which girl in class was hot.

didn't last very long though.


5 foods/drinks i enjoy
lobster salad
softshell crab
honey mustard pretzels
nachos and cheese
indo mee mee goreng flavoured instant noodles.
coffee(man's best friend)

oh wait. 5. shoot. i've got 6. but i love em all.
heck.

5 songs i know all the words to
virtually all the barney songs. want me to sing some for you?
some hi5 songs.
vitamin C- graduation(friends forever)... HAHAHHA. x) really. i guess i was pretty emo during pri6. it was coooool okay!

actually... i do know the complete lyrics of quite a few songs. and i can't think of any specific ones at the moment.


5 favourite television shows
spongebob
arrested development
brainiac
can't think of anything else. o_O i don't watch tv very much.


5 bands i listen to
at the moment...
anberlin
hot hot heat
the calling(still. hahaha)
artic monkeys
coheed and cambria


5 movies i like
the parent trap(yes, same as you, van)
titan ae
land before time
KUNG POW!
monthy python and the holy grail

5 bad habits
thinking too much
not saying what i want to say
saying what i don't want to say (you following me?)
eating too much
being overly self-critical

5 biggest joys
God
friends
architecture/design
guitar
computer games

5 people i tagged to do this quiz

nobody at the moment. i'll think about this and update it in a while. stay tuned! (:

i saw a fat indian kid(roughly aged 10) decked out in sunglasses on the train today, scratching his crotch and dancing at the same time.


....and i thought i'd have seen everthing by now.

God's my lover tonight. (:

on the river bank the boy looked to the sky,
stars shining like white paint on the tar pavement.
they looked like they were shining for him,
but it was just the old streetlight, and the teardrops rimming his eyes.



life just screws around with you sometimes.

Golden - switchfoot

She's alone tonight,
With a bitter cup and,
She's undone tonight,
She's all used up,

She's been staring down the demons,
Who've been screaming she's just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,(Don't let go,)
(Don't let go tonight)

There's a fear that burns,
Like trash inside
And you're ashamed of the curse,
That burns your eyes

You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes,
It's your book now,

You're,Golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,(Don't let go,)
(Don't let go tonight)

You're a lonely soul,
Inlet of broken hearts
You're far from home,
It's a perfect place to start

So this final verse,
Is a contradiction
And the more we learn,
The less we know

We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before

Golden,
You are Golden, Child
You are Golden,(Don't let go,)
(Don't let go tonight)

This world is a dead man down
Every breath is a singing crown away,
Like some debilitated king,
Don't let go tonight

Earth Spins and your mind goes round'
Green comes on the frozen ground,
And everything will be made new again,
Like freedom and spring,
Hey, like freedom and spring,
Like freedom and spring

-------------------------------------------



i dont really know what about this song appeals to me.
it's just soooo.... positive.



sigh.

i wish i watched barney more when i was younger.
i dont FEEL special at all.

sigh ):

the school year is coming to a close for me, but for others it's barely the beginning.
finished my final critique session today, without rave reviews, but at least with a nod of approval.

it went a lot better than expected because if they had actually dug deeper, all the slipshot work would have surfaced. haha. Thank God.

i am, regrettably, a very last minute person, and my favourite pasttimes seem to be hugging buddha's feet at eleven in the evening.

oh well. new resolution for the next year?
--------------------------------------------------

on a side note.
DEBBIE CAME TO SCHOOL TODAY! :):):)
(sam and rox supposedly came too, but they scurried off so quickly i couldnt find em. -.-" AM I THAT SCARY?!)

L

it's been soooo long since i last saw her. she came to sell funfair tickets,
and preinformed me so i could buy from her.
welllll. i'd like to think she came to see me though, but that's besides the point. x)

whatever it was, it's always great to see someone after such a long time.
and she's got the brightest smile i've seen in a while.
well, considering all my friends look like the living dead, i guess it isnt that much of a consolation, but....

it was still the brightest part of my day. :)

sometimes, just sitting around and chatting suddenly feels like the best thing in the world.
my course has really made me thankful for all the little things.

cliched. i know, but really.
it's like, its only when you realise that you dont even have the time to sit at a cafe, chat, and talk, that you realise its those little things that give life it's meaning.

that aside,
the hols are almost here. and i should do a little more catching up with the things that i've missed.
i consider it a responsibility.