i know i havent been faithfully blogging.
i'm half contemplating on shutting down the blog again. simply because i never seem to be in the mood to make a nice funny interesting blog entry anymore.
maybe i will in the future, maybe i wont.

but no. today dc is not emo.
today he wishes he could be emo. but now isn't the time to be.
because tomorrow is a submission, and i've got responsibility to not be unstable.
two emo people can only succeed in making each other feel worse.

so stop being emo.
leave that to me.

please?

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day
so I never have to live without you.”

-A. A. Milne quotes (English Humorist, creator of Winnie-the-Pooh, 1882-1956)


i really really want to die before everyone else. coz it'll hurt less to leave.
yea, coward,
me.

my grandfather died yesterday.

went to the crematorium today and watched them put the coffin into the furnace.
most of the older people started tearing, and my mom asked my brothers and sisters to say their final goodbyes.
i just stood behind the glass. as i stared at the machine wheeling the coffin into the fire. a little numb, a little preoccupied with thoughts somewhere else.

but when i when home and took a shower i cried a little.
not because i was sad he died.
but because i didn't know if i'd ever see him again.

i've never thought much of death.
sometimes i look forward to it.
but today i was uncertain of his salvation. and for once, i feared death.
but not for myself.

i really hope he meant it that time last year.
i would have helped if he wasn't demented.

now all i can do i hope.
hope that the person who defended me from my sister's relentless attacking while we were younger, spoiled me with chips and tea, and whipped up a bowl of noodles when i couldn't down the inedible food at the dinner table, would be there when i go over.

goodbye.
------------------------------------------

would anyone come for mine?

if i told you i think about how lousy i am everyday would you believe me?
and if i told you that as much as i say i'd own my empire, i'm worried if i'd even be able go above mediocrity?
what if i told you that i hate myself for being a burden, an irritance, or being worthless to the people i love.

would you. doens't seem me right?
then dont believe it.
its not a side i'm most proud of but i thought i'd let you know.
don't look at a happy person and think he's happy. think beyond the smile.

i feel like disappearing. ever wondered what you're life would be without a dc?
i doubt it'd be much different. honestly. maybe a little happier.

oh. and grandpa died today.
i hope i die before 60-70. hm.

so far, ive...

overslept on 5 buses in the last two weeks.
screwed up one submission
not slept for at least two days straight on 3 occasions.

but it's all good. tomorrow's the crit. where everything starts going bad.

submission ended today. but i missed out some major components and its not that i didnt do them. its because i forgot the put them in, thus i feel like a total retard.

but thanks for model help - nette(& the yummyyy cookies), pat(& for cooking instant noodles! 10mins saved!), ng, pat, van and grace. and for the help rendered in the course of the project.

much appreciated!(:

i wanted to type the lyrics out.
but it would have been too blatant.
i want you to listen.

hey you, i'll be alright.
you be alright.

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky.


i've known the lyrics all along, although i only thought it was about some party with a lot of booze and everyone shooting up.
i'm feeling crummy, and it's on repeat.

its the first day of the year, and already there's so much on my mind.
i'd be lying if i said there was nothing i'd like to know, or that i'd like to start the year afresh, because there's simply so much i'm dying to say, ask and do. 2006's gone, and somehow i don't really feel much closure. so much still doesnt make sense, so many answers that seem so unfulfilling.

i haven't really feel this horrid in a while. its just that i can't really pinpoint the exact reason for feeling that way. all i know is that i'm scared.
scared of losing people along the way, falling, faltering, change, uncertainty.
what would really be nice now is a reassuring hug, a pat on the back, the squeeze on the arm, the kind of thing that makes you feel like everything's gonna be alright.

i remember singing the hymn "i dont know about tomorrow" countless number of times in saint andrews, although the only thing the song meant at that time was the funny teacher singing at a strage beat which was totally off-sync with the music. this time it provides at least a little comfort.

for everyone who's feeling insecure, or afraid for the new year,

"I said to the man who stood at the Gate of the Year, 'Give me a light that I
may tread safely into the unknown.' And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness,
and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be better than light, and
safer than a known way.'"

-King George VI

i quoted this on the latest edition of the church newsletter.

and maybe it's time to heed my own advice.

i'm shit scared, Lord. i really am. could i hold you hand?

merrynewyear
to everyone who has meant a lot to me.


i know i havent been blogging, mainly because my days have been chock-a-block with activities. so i shall summarize before getting into the once a year long post.

i went for camp and, transforming daniel the totally irresponsible retard into the highly respected uncle daniel overnight. (although it was mainly titular).
was a good experience, although we had extra meetings every single night for a certain problem, it was nice to know that God really provided during the camp, and we avoided any major mishaps. was definitely God's grace, because the end result(if you base it on historical evidence) is definitely better than expected.
oh, and i got mininal work done, despite staying up virtually every night to work, mainly because there wasnt very much of the night left after meetings and stuff.

then i went to kl. simply to appease mom. shopping was alright. good christmas deals and stuff. and a minorly updated wardrobe.

and the rest of my free time has been spent doing work because ive got my final submission come jan12, and this time i can confidently say i'm not prepared for it.
after losing my work twice due to stupid corrupted files, i'm about a quarter of the way to recovering(manually) what was about 5 days of work, with two weeks left to complete about 3 times that amount.
i miracle would be nice at the moment.

well, this year, i got 1 christmas present(thanks, you) and 3 cards(you, and you and you) measly. i know. but somehow the christmas mood wasnt even there so i dont think it was much of a loss. no mistletoe, no christmas lighting, no sharing hot chocolate.
work dampens mood.

and its start of the new year. i didnt blog before because i went out to watch the fireworks, but i guess its better late than never.

this is my thank you list (in no order of importance except the first.)

ng, pat, nette and lame - for helping me when i most needed a backup model making crew. i thank you all first because i'll need you in a few days time again. thanks. (: I REALLY REALLY REALLY wouldnt have made it without you all (and i wont make the next if you dont help me. HAHAHA)

nette for being there and really tolerating my nonsense. everything, basically.

ng for being the only person to keep me sane for the past 18 years. although im sure a bit of my insanity has rubbed off you. its starting to show. please beware.

munkit for not killing me, yet. and of course for all the good food this year, and making me fatter than i already am. hope you like the frying pan.

van for being the one who'd be online to accompany me past 3, and for being my comrade in the quest to drive everyone else insane.

lame for being lame. and for fishy stuff.

sam, pearlie, pat, ng, jq, dan chng, jac, and the rest of the newsletter crew. it wouldnt have been possible without all the liao. i only provide the nice packaging.

darch01/02 for totally distracting me, granting me a nett amount of zero hours of work during lesson time. and for being the best backstabbing buddies on earth. many thanks to the lousier ones for being the best stepping stones to my success, and good ones stifling it, put simply, thanks for nothing. JUST KIDDING. (: thanks for making lesson times to enjoyable. (poo, popiah, chris, ivanthesaurus, etc.)

church people. uncles, aunties, and all those who've exited their teenage years(i.e chinghan, faith, mark, matt... you know who you are) - for paving the way for the new leaders, and for constantly guiding us even though we screw up quite a bit. in-betweeners included like auntie casandra, auntie fatimah(jac), mabs.

the funny kids like judas, luke, paul, stanley, mEe, joey aiya. all the youths basically. bahhh. i cant list them all, but you've all been good company. the best if i must say. (: i'll thank you in person during thanksgiving tomorrow.

yilin, auntie pearlie, nette, pat for staying up during the nights of camp to accompany me. although they all expired wayyy before i went to bed. i forgive you because you're not used to it. haha.

jazelle for nothing. she just asked me to put her inside. HA. just kidding. for pei-ing me online esp while im working. (:

i realise i cant finish the whole thank you list because im tired, and there's just so many to thank
its a a bit hard to blog. and no, i really mean it. its not some lame excuse for forgetting you. really. i'll thank you all in person. oh and you get a free hug. (: because its' been a great year. possibly my best so far. i love you all very much.

oh ps. i only blogged for the people who read this blog. if you sneak around without me knowing, then you probably would not find your name listed here. dont blame me. HA. i'll thank you when i see you lah. (:

and most importantly(i save the best for last) God for making every year amazing. for the people i didnt list in black and white. i'll give you a hug and a thank you when i see you. i really didnt forget you, i just got tired to list them.

(: happy new year.
and oh yea. my resolution this year is to lose weight. and like every year, we all know resolutions dont work out. but hell, for the record. (: